Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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