I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
