i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
