Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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