Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
