guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
