Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
