I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
