No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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