come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sober January is a disaster.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
