Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
