I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
