After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
