The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
