Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
