If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
