fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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