Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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