I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
