I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
