my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
