I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
