that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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