my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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