im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
