I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
