Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
