Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
