You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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