I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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