Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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