we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
