I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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