girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
