No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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