Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
