When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
