Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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