she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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