I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
