Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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