Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
