He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
