theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
