The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
