Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
