I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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