the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He did a backflip because drugs
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