Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
