I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
