I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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