Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
