I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
