I think I died a long time ago.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
