I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
