I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
