We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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