My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
