forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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