my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize